People love to see others get married. But why? Is it because they now get to save money on taxes? The social security benefits? Or wait I know, it’s the health insurance benefits. Nah, this is not what anyone is thinking when they attend a wedding. They see a couple in love and they think awww, but if they are not focused on the things listed above then what is the pressure for people to get married?
Marriage is a contract. A contract that establishes rights and custom rules between a couple. Once you sign it, you invite the government into your relationship. No where on the contract does it say that your spouse will love you forever, that they will remain committed to you, or that you will always be happy together. Hence the marriages that people are in where they do not love each other anymore, someone has cheated, or that they are unhappy in.
With that being said, why do people feel that marriage has to be the end goal for a couples relationship? If a couple has been together for a long time, people automatically assume that marriage is what they should do. Well, I’m here to say that it is not!
Marriage is not something that you should do because you think that you have to. You should not get married with the mindset that we’ve been together this long we might as well. You should not think that someone does not love you or want to be with you because they don’t want to get married. It’s a huge thing and it should make sense to YOUR relationship. If both of you want to be together “forever” and getting a marriage license will benefit you both then great, do it! If it does not help you then simply don’t do it. Forget what society says you should do, or your parents, friends, family etc. No one’s name is on that license but you and your spouse. Do what is best for you. Have a party if you want to celebrate your love together. Love is not a big enough reason to get married.
No one teaches you about marriage when you are young. They make it seem as if it’s what you do when you are in love. But now that I am older and more knowledgeable I see otherwise. A lot of females like myself grew up just wanting a wedding, not so much of really wanting to be married. We see a wedding, a happy couple, rings and we want that. Ask yourself, if you could have a wedding without getting married would you? I am not against marriage. I just want people to really think about what they are getting married, it’s more than love.
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Do you know the history of marriage? Have you ever questioned why?
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I’ve recently started an interactive Instagram for my blog where I post questions, statements, and pictures etc. to interact more with people. When discussing love and relationships I created a list of 5 important things to discuss in your relationship. Here are the 5 that I chose and why.
1. Views of gender roles
Discussing what you expect from your partner is very important. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t just expect someone to read your mind. Just because someone is a specific gender that does not mean they will just up and do what you expect. If you want the man to be the only one taking out the trash, let that be known. If you expect the female to do all the cooking and cleaning, talk about it. It will save a lot of arguments if you just discuss your views of each other’s “roles” and expectations up front.
2. Your definition of cheating
Cheating is a huge topic in relationships. Not everyone will agree on what cheating is. Someone may view it as strictly physical while someone else may think flirting is cheating. Take the time to define it in your relationship. If you partner chooses to overstep the boundaries you’ve created then you will know how they feel. They cannot say they didn’t know if you talked about it.
3. Love language
I have a post about the love language quiz below. I encourage couples to take it for some insight on what their partner likes and to keep each other happy.
4. Goals
Goals should be discussed as early as possible. I have watched a show where her goals were to get married and have children, but her boyfriend wanted none of this. This only led to them breaking up after spending years together. If they would have talked about what they wanted out of life or their relationship earlier it could’ve save some heart break.
5. Family
Knowing your partner’s family is very important. Your childhood gives so much insight to who you become as an adult. Their relationships will their family members will also tell you. Learn how they were bought up and how their relationships are. It can give you a better understanding of people.
What are your views on gender roles in a relationship? What influenced them to become that way?
We’re always excited to get married or when we are about to have a baby, but how often do we talk about what is expected of each other in these roles? Now this may defer from every relationship being that everyone is different, but most have similar views.
The generalized view of men and female is that the men get the money and the females cook, clean, and take care of the children. Personali, I’m okay with that. I love being a mom. I’m also going to cook and clean anyway so that doesn’t bother me. However, I do not feel that as a grown woman that I should be dependent on anyone else. I think that we should definitely have money of our own. Because what happens if a happy home is broken? Who is now going to pay the bills? Or maybe the man still should being as though the women are still going to take care of the kids lol.
I only agree with that arrangement if the man is handling everything. If he is not and this relationship is one where the bills are split then I feel that other duties should be split as well. I will expect more involvement in the children’s routine and around the house. A female will naturally do more and if she is working then a man definitely needs to help in other areas because that evens the load.
I do a lot, therefore I always look to my spouse to do a lot. Of course being a man he doesn’t lol. He doesn’t think the way I do when it comes to children and household chores. A man’s thoughts would be on paying the bills while we’re thinking about homework, bath time, and getting dinner ready. I’m not going to say they don’t do a lot because providing is hard too. We just do different things. Overtime I had to realize our thinking it different and not get so upset about it. I just wanted certain things to come as natural as it did to for females. I also don’t like the idea of a man thinking they are assisting the female when doing their parenting duties. But the reality of it of it is that if you want a man to do something you’re going to have to ask. 🤷🏽♀️
Growing up I’ve seen different roles in different houses. In my house it was a mixture. Both of my parents worked. My dad cooked, my mom just cooked more. Both participated in our hobbies suck as drop offs, recitals etc. From the moment your child is young you are teaching them about gender roles whether it’s intentional or not. Watching my parents would stem me to think 50/50 for my relationship. But what about households that only have one parent with single mothers doing everything for children? What about children not knowing their fathers..how would they know what to do without an example? That is why it is so important to talk and communicate with your spouse and friends. Find out these things in the dating process and it will make it much easier later on.
{What is your love language? Does your partner’s results match yours? Do you notice any relation from your results to what you lacked in your childhood?}
What is your love language?
My girlfriends and I were discussing this love language quiz over brunch the other day and I decided to take it with my bf. The quiz asks you a bunch of questions about which actions or things are more meaningful to you. It is separated into five categories Quality time, Giving gifts, Acts of service, Words of affirmation, and Physical Touch. I could already tell you before taking the quiz what my results would be. My percentage rated highest in Words of Affirmation with the second highest being Acts of Service. Words of Affirmation means that I like my love to be expressed verbally. Words for me goes a long way. I love to hear the words “I love you”, I love for me people to tell me how they feel about me, and to be reassured ALL THE TIME! lol. I am happy receiving love letters and things of that nature. Just as much as words make me happy they can also hurt me the most. For my runner up Acts of Service, this refers for things being done for me sincerely. Being a person who always feel like I have to do everything this is definitely true. Cleaning up for me, making dinner, doing laundry.. anything to take some weight off my shoulders lets me know you listen and is a great way to show love for me.
Does your partner’s results match yours?
My partner’s primary love language result is physical touch (why am I not surprised Scorpio lol). But no this does not refer to what you may think. Physical touch can be as simple as a hug, holding hands, or a kiss on the forehead. These acts give them a feeling of love and security.
What’s interesting to me is that I’ve always naturally put my love language first when showing my partner that I love them because my first thought is love him the way that I need/want to be loved. Until now it never occurred that although those things that I do are kind and sweet they may not be as meaningful or appreciated as they are to me. Being aware of this now I can accommodate more to his needs to show how I feel and vice versa.
Do you notice any relation from your results to what you lacked in your childhood?
Why did I know what my results would be before I even took the quiz? Because I am already aware of what makes me feel loved and what I want from my partner. When I really think about it, why my love language result comes back what it is stems from my childhood. I feel like I did not hear any words of affirmation as much as I needed to. I wouldn’t say that I had super low self esteem, but I was never 100% confident either. I was always nitpicked about my hair or what clothes I was wearing that I simply always heard the negative. I needed more compliments, more I love yous, more reassurance that I was perfect just the way I was/am.
I remember being upset with my partner. Being upset that he didn’t compliment me enough or express his love to me enough. I came to realize that those things weren’t true. I realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t do those things, but that I wanted him to fix the issues from my past. I wanted him to heal the areas where other people caused damage, hurt me or that I lacked in my life. Once I became aware of that things changed.
That’s what I find this to be so interesting. I feel like everything led up to these results. There is a reason/story behind why people interpret love in different ways. I used to think that people who wanted gifts were simply materialistic or greedy. Now I see that for someone who never had things a gift can mean so much more. It’s about the thoughtfulness.
If you are starting out a new relationship or haven’t taken this quiz with your loved one I would recommend it. It’s definitely something to talk about. It can help you understand each other and move on to a better relationship once you know each other’s needs. For anyone interested in taking the one that I took the link is below. Thanks for reading!
Like every year there are some good things that come and bad. This year the world has went through a pandemic that caused major changes in all of our lives. But overall was 2020 a “bad” year? It’s all about perception. The coronavirus stopped us from having big gatherings, we lost a huge amount of people, we were forced to stay home, and millions were left unemployed. It sucks. But there is always some good out of every situation. I made good money this year and I’m happy that we got a new president elected. Something that I value the importance of and was given a lot of from the pandemic was time. I had time that I did not have before to put in perspective what is important to me. I had time to spend with my family and my son. I had time to start taking care of myself. I feel like a lot of people don’t take the time to relax and cherish those around them. They sacrifice it to focus on making money or everything else that needs to be “done”. But when you lose as many people in the world that were lost in this year alone you wish you had more. I was blessed enough to have everything that I needed this year. It may not have been exactly what I wanted, but I was good. I’m grateful for that. This year was mentally draining, but I(and you if you’re reading this) have survived.
I learned to prioritize what is important to me this year. When the world can change overnight and you are forced to focus on your mental health, I learned to pay attention to things that actually matter and make me happy. My goals for the new year of 2021 will be just that. Choosing what makes ME happy and doing that, not what others want me to do. In the next year, I will be making me a bigger priority. I have wanted to do things for myself for so long and with time being limited and having a little more of it I will put my plans into action. I hope that everyone can focus on the positive that came out of 2020 because there were a lot of traumatic events. I pray that 2021 is a better year to come 💕
I’ve never had a lot of friends. I’m very selective with who I open up to. I don’t view things the same as many people around me. Unlike most people, I don’t believe that first impressions are everything. I don’t decide if I like somebody based off of the first time that I meet them. I haven’t seen enough. There are people that I met who were cool at first and then weren’t. And there are people who have rubbed me the wrong way at first, but once I seen more of them I started to love. So when it comes to friends it’s a process for me. Now a days, many friendships aren’t real. They’re based off of stupid stuff like if you post each other a happy birthday message for social media or if you go out drinking together. And none of that really matters to me.
-What is a good/bad friend?
I’ve had a good number of friends over the years and I considered myself to be a good friend to them, but when I think about it what I consider to be a good friend can differ from what they believe. So let’s answer that question first. What is your definition of a good friend? I don’t have a set answer for that. Of course, I look for the same qualities in my friend that I would look for in my partner. I want my friend to be trustworthy, supportive, loyal, non-judgmental etc. but does that make them a necessarily a bad friend if they share something about me with someone else? Doesn’t show up to my event? Starts to judge me after I get back with an ex for the 10th time? Idk. I feel like the one thing I can say tells me if you’re a “good” friend to me is your intentions. I think that if you always have my best interest at heart and never try to purposely hurt me and your actions show that than I know where we stand. I say that because there are people that I call my friends to this day that I don’t talk to all the time, but how often we talk does not measure the status of our friendship. We pick up where we left off every time.
Speaking on communication with friends . I think that people forgot that just like a relationship with your significant other communication is key. Females give so many chances to men, make up excuses for men, but get into one argument with a “friend” and that’s it. If I cannot argue with you and keep it 100 then for me we cannot be friends. I had “friends” that if you ask me why we stopped talking today, I couldn’t tell you. We simply didn’t communicate, but I’m okay with that because I never lost a “friend” that I wanted back.
You will remain friends if you want to put in the effort. A lot of times you make friends at school. You get to see each other every day. Once school is over, will you put in the effort to see each other? Will you call each other outside of seeing what they post on social media? If either one of you don’t want to put in the effort to be friends than don’t expect it to work. The same way you have to go on date nights with your spouse. You make time for what you want to make time for. In the middle of the children, marriage, work and everything else make time for the people or friend that are important to you or watch it fall apart.
-Can you be friends with an ex?
I believe it’s possible to be friends with an ex. If you both come to an understanding that friends is what you are going to be because your relationship did not work out. Note that I said it’s possible. That’s cool and all, but I just don’t see the relevance. If your relationship did not work then what is the point? Especially, if you slept together. I feel like it’s going to cause issues in future relationships once you mention that you used to be together which can be avoided by simply letting an ex be just that. I can tell you now if I had a man who was still friends with an ex I would be so confused as to why? No, It’s not about insecurity. I just feel like if they’re so great that you have to keep them around then why are you not with them? Because if that’s the case you could have stayed together. It could be because I’m super petty lol. But idk I just don’t see the purpose. Being on good terms is one thing. You don’t have to have bad blood with someone just because you did not work as a couple . You want to be acquaintances sure, but friends? Showing up places, hanging out, talking on the phone? No, too much for me.
-Can males and females be best friends?
Think back to majority of every movie and tv show who had these opposite sex best friends and how it played out. One way or another someone ends up being in love with the other, or they end up sleeping together. It’s a lot of people calling each other bros and sis, which is cool if you were introduced that way. But I don’t believe that your first impression of the opposite sex is yeah that’s gonna be my best friend. Is there any one of you who thinks that way? I’ve had male best friends or even close guy friends when I was younger. Given the chance to be with me or sleep with me, do you think they would have not took it? It can be fun to be best friends for a while, but I don’t feel that it’s something that will last. I just don’t view it as natural. What is the reason that you’re only friends and nothing more?
Thanks for reading. Leave a comment and join the discussion!
-Sex is literally everywhere now and so easy to get, but I ask this question bc I feel like I’m one of the few who still takes it seriously. I know many different types of females. Some who will sleep with you simply if they want to, some who will make you wait but know definitely that they are going to have sex with you from the jump, some who have no morals and just sleep with no attachment. And so on. I don’t judge any of them, but I am the complete opposite. I still feel like sex should be taken seriously. I can’t picture letting somebody inside me just because I’m sexually attracted to them 🤷🏽♀️ PersonaLi, I just feel like every man is not deserving of the pu**y. Like these men are not thurl enough to ever say they had me. That’s how I feel about it. Like these men give no fucks, can’t even have an intelligent conversation , don’t know how to commit , don’t wanna take you on dates, etc. and at the end of the day y’all still be giving it up. You think I’m gonna give you the most powerful thing I have? Nah. This shit is to be earned. Like you create a whole life by having sex. Get stds, hiv, all that shit. I can’t just act like it’s not deep to me.
The heart is powerful to a female, when you have a man heart it doesn’t matter what female tries to take him from you. They can’t really. But to them it’s our vagina and some women just give it up so easily with no effort put into it and then question why they never have a man. Like think about it. If ya boss told you, “You don’t have to show up to work anymore, but we are going to keep paying you”. Would you still take your ass to work? Hell no. Okay then. Thats the point. Why would a man do the work if he gonna get paid anyway. P**sy is and always will be power. It is literally a man’s weakness. They will literally do anything for it. Why not take pride in that? I mean y’all are so quick to call females hoes, but if it’s not that deep is there a such thing as a how forreal? Don’t take it personal tho if it’s something you could care less about. This is just me.
Is there a time/partner that you regret?
-I ask is there a time that you regret because if the answer is yes, doesn’t that mean that it is serious to you? Like why else would u regret a time or a partner if it didn’t matter. If it was always just fun and games.
Will you teach your kids that it should be serious?
-My kids will be taught that it’s something serious bc it is. My son or daughter need to set standards for themselves. She needs to know that it’s a powerful thing to give away, and her worth. And he needs to know that he can’t just sleep with any female and the consequences too. That he’s not the man by how many females he sleep with bc if he sleep with majority of hoes what does that say about him? See men think that can’t be hoes too, but they are.
Should it differ from male or female?
-I don’t think the seriousness of it should differ from male to female. But the body count is always going to differ. Majority of men are always going to have more simply because men are not emotional beings. Sex can be sex to them. But for females there is always some emotions behind it, but they try to act like it’s not. Females have the mindset that why can’t they do everything a man can. I’m all for gender equality, but with sex nah. You shouldn’t be being a hoe just to prove a point. Most of the time y’all got daddy issues anyway 😩lol. It’s true though. As always these are just my thoughts. Let me know what y’all think.
I was never asked if I wanted to go to college it was always where did I want to go. I wasn’t against it, but I just find it funny how it was already chosen for me. Everyone looks at college as if its the key to success, but “personali” I feel it’s overrated. You spend years working your ass off to get a degree and then what? People think because you have a degree success is just going to fall in their lap. It is easy to make money when you major in certain things, but does that determine your success? How much money you make?
I know people who graduated college who are doing nothing related to what they went to college for or just doing nothing with their degree at all. They are struggling like the next person. I went to college thinking I wanted to be a pediatrician. I wasted 2 years taking classes before I realized that’s not what I wanted to do. Now I have to spend more time in school for what I actually want. That is no one’s fault, but it’s a common thing that we all don’t graduate on time or know what the hell we really want to do. You end up stuck spending money you don’t have and you’re in debt before you know it. Whether you get a decent paying job or not, you are stuck paying back loans. After paying to live with roomates you don’t like and food you didn’t eat. It’s stupid.
I feel if what you truly want to do in life doesn’t require college then do not go. Why are you not following your dream? A lot of kids go to college trying to please their parents, throwing their dreams away. Its too many excuses of why people don’t follow them. They don’t have the money, the time, they’re scared.. so what. What is the point of it all if you’re not happy? Who cares who you are going to disappoint? Everyone has their own life to live. I am only going to finish school because what I want to do requires it. Why are you going? Is it honestly for yourself? I always think about if my child gets older and tells me he doesn’t want to go to college. I can’t speak for the future, but as of today I won’t force him to. It’s his decision. I want my children to make their own decisions and learn to live with the consequences of what they decide. Is that wrong to you?
I watch a youtube video everyday. I watch videos on hair, makeup, vlogs, pranks etc. People are making so much money from these videos, it’s ridiculous. The funny things is people will still be in their comments shaming them about college. They are doing something that they love, making a living out of it, and people still bring up college?! I really don’t understand people’s logic behind school. People will spend their entire lives in school and never feel happy and some people are so comfortable being students they have no idea what to do when they graduate. What’s funny is that you can graduate with a Bachelor’s degree and a job will still deny you because you don’t have enough experience. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
People put too much emphasis on college, not education. Education is very important, but it is almost 2018 there are many ways to educate yourself! You should be educating yourself on a bunch of things because school doesn’t teach you everything. They are not showing you how to build your credit, how to become a homeowner, how to be your own boss. There is more to life than just english and math. Evaluate what you really want to do and do it! Forget about what anyone else has to say, because you can be successful with or without college!
-It really kills me when females ask this question and look for a real explanation. I see so many women confuse their way of thinking to a mans. If your relationship is lacking something that a woman actually wants then it will draw her attention when a man outside the relationship does it. Like all women want romance. So if you want a man to buy flowers, compliment you, or do something sweet and he doesn’t.. then when another man does it a woman will definitely pay attention to it. But if a man tries to bring a woman flowers who already gets them from her man then she gonna be like “Bye, my man buys me flowers all the time”. Like it’s not going to attract her as much. Now that is how women think, not men! A man will cheat on a woman and she start going down the list trying to figure out why like “I cook, I clean, I workout, the sex is good, we do this , we do that”. Start questioning her whole existence like girl shutup. You can be everything a man wants and needs, but if the man gonna cheat he gonna cheat. Why? I don’t think there is any other reason besides space and opportunity. I feel like If a man is presented with the space and opportunity to cheat most likely it will happen. They have 2 heads, one on their shoulders and one in their pants. If a man is alone with an attractive female that is not his girl and she is presenting him with the opportunity to hit he going to take it. Why? Because now he thinking with the head in his pants. That light switch up top done blew out, that man is brain dead. He got blood rushing to his penis and you simply ain’t around. He not thinking about the consequences or ya’ll relationship. He thinking about that 🐱. Now when it’s all over and he see the 53 missed calls and the 101 text messages then that switch up top will turn back on and he can realize what he just did. The crazy thing is a man is not going to tell a woman anything! And if you suspect it he will lie his ass off. Men live by the rule “what you don’t know won’t hurt you”. Only women have this desire to tell shit. That is why we gossip. If a woman cheats afterwards she start thinking about how she gonna tell him, the right time to, be calling her friend and gettig advice about it 🙄. No, not men. They are not thinking twice about telling you nothing okay! So yeah that is all I think it is. When a man is put in a situation that allows him to cheat then he just might do it. This doesn’t mean that every man will do it, but some(most) will. It doesn’t even have to be sex. Say a female texts a man in a relationship. The girlfriend or wife not gonna want him to not text back, but he now has the opportunity to flirt and spit some game so why wouldn’t he? It’s not like he out looking for ways to cheat, but if the opportunity presents itself then he just might. Now, don’t get me wrong there are some DOGS out there, but at the end of the day they keep putting themselves in the situation to do it. Which to me goes back to him having the chance to do so. So women need to stop questioning themselves or what you could have done or did to make him cheat because you did nothing! No matter what he says the reason was, he is just trying to justify what he did. It was all him, and the stank bitch that gave it up!
If he cheats, he doesn’t love you?
-When I was younger, I believed this. I used to be like girl he cheated he don’t love you! But now from a grown woman point of view, I feel that is not ALWAYS true. If it is a new relationship and he already stepping out then yeah he clearly doesn’t. But let’s use my relationship for an example. I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years and not once has me or my boyfriend cheated on one another. Now say he cheats on me next week. Does that mean everything over the years was fake? That he was lying when he said he love me? That he doesn’t want to be with me ? Sad to say, but no it doesn’t necessarily mean that. It means he fucked up! Especially cheating on me 💁🏽 It would mean he was put in a situation where he could get some and like a dumbass he took it. Do you feel that Kevin Hart or T.I don’t love their wives because they cheated? Idk I just feel like it is possible. Or how about on Insecure when Issa cheated on Lawrence, does that mean she don’t love him because she messed up?
Should you stay?
-What’s annoying about it all is that now you have to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. All because of a fuck up. I’m a reasonable person and I always see both sides of every situation, but cheating is such a big factor in a relationship. Like do you throw everything away for this one thing? Or do you forgive? Because then it goes with you showing people how to treat you. So if you stay are you justifying what he did? Are you saying its okay? Does it make you weak? Should you be upset if it happened again because you stayed? I know when I see females get cheated on and they stay I’m quick to call them dumb and I always say Imma leave if im cheated on. But dam, let’s be real because it’s easier said than done. Would I really throw everything away for one time? It is really worth years of something great? It’s like having all A’s on ya test and then getting an F like that shit is hard lol. Then you have to start all over and that shit is annoying especially when you have kids. & it sucks because if you decide not to stay then you have to leave a relationship that you actually wanted to be in. Like at the of Ciara song Bet when she say “Right now it’s killing me because I have to find someone else when all I wanted was you”. I felt that shit lmao. So I see where those women be coming from, but does any of that make it right? Idk.
-Li
Now idk if this post makes it seem as if I’m for cheating or not because I’m not at all! I’m just sharing my thoughts. So thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think! If you agree or disagree let’s discuss it! And follow my twitter @persona_li
There are a lot of times that I see a stupid meme or post from people on my friends instagram and cannot voice my opinion because I do not have any social media pages of my own. So I decided to start my own personal blog where I can voice my opinion and have people share theirs with me. That is why I chose the name personally, the end is spelled “Li” from my name. I plan to write my opinion on all types of topics that have no real answer! I hope that ya’ll (male & female) will engage with me. Welcome to PersonaLi! 😊
PersonaLii 